I feel, though, that we have come to regard empathy as a panacea. That a healthy dose of compassion will cure what ails us. We can repair relationships, bridge gaps, overcome our differences by simply being nice or showing compassion. I told you I was a skeptic.
Imagine my relief (or vindication) when I read David Taffet’s article on emotional intelligence and empathy. Taffet writes that “empathy has become something of an antidote to the times.” And, while it can bring about mutual understanding and compassion, empathy also has been conflated with agreeableness or toxic positivity. It emboldens some to take advantage of other’s boundaries – what could otherwise be described as bullying, or at least manipulation.
We haven’t gotten the message that empathy also requires us, on occasion, to put our foot down.
This can be especially problematic for fundraisers. We, by nature, are an agreeable sort. We get into this business because we truly enjoy others and want to be helpful. But for fundraisers, empathy can be one of our strongest assets or a sign of weakness. Consider these questions:
Do we hide behind empathy to tolerate inappropriate or obnoxious behavior? We’ve all come across donors or volunteers who behave badly, yet we tolerate this because that’s part of the job, right?
Have we accepted gifts that really don’t relate to the mission of our organization? If we refuse the gift, that would surely show our ingratitude.
Have we passed along a complaint to a higher-up to avoid the ire of a donor? Of course we could explain the policy in question but, by doing so, we’d also have to take the heat. Better just to lend an understanding ear.
These are just a few examples of how we conflate empathy with agreeableness, or use empathy as a shield to avoid confrontation.
But, as the author points out, emotional intelligence requires intolerance for the intolerable just as much as it requires empathy.
Being compassionate sometimes puts us in a difficult position. We have to state an uncomfortable truth. We have to summon our conviction and speak up. We have to set barriers and enforce them. We have to sacrifice an easy solution for a far more difficult one. One, though, that will lead to a better outcome.
Sometimes it takes courage to be empathetic. But it might also be an ultimate act of kindness.