The f-word isn’t what you think it is. We have come to dread something far more potent: failure. This is because failure triggers our primal fears—humiliation, shame, or any other negative emotion that shatters our sense of capability and worthiness.
Yet, failure is as common as success and sometimes it may be a necessary companion. If you’ve failed, you’re in good company:
- Theodore Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) had his first book rejected by 27 different publishers
- Michael Jordan got cut by his high school basketball team
- Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first job as an anchor in Baltimore
- Abe Lincoln entered the Illinois Militia as a captain and was demoted to a private
As fundraisers, we are not immune to failing. An estimated 25 percent will be fired and those who stay often struggle. Almost half leave within two years and 40 percent report not being committed to their fundraising career.
Why does this happen? Because the stakes are impossibly high and success is tied to one very large overweighted metric: our fundraising goal. While relationship-building is at the heart of what we do, this doesn’t seem to count for much if the numbers don’t add up. Our perceived worth gets entangled in how much money we’ve raised.
What words describe failure? Despair, disbelief, grief, anger, humiliation, and an all-encompassing, soul-sucking self-doubt. Yet, when failure strikes, we’re expected to carry on. Even more, popular culture encourages us to buy in to these familiar tropes: look for the silver lining; everything happens for a reason; if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger.
Perhaps there is some truth to these cliches, but they don’t diminish the stigma of failure. And when it strikes, we have no other choice but to deal with it. It’s tempting to avert our eyes and pretend it’s not happening, but a better approach might be to look straight-on at our failure. Here’s how to get a clearer picture:
Differentiate between a setback and a failure. Some of us are so self-critical we regard any bump in the road as a failure. But what we might be actually experiencing is a setback. You can fix setbacks by changing the original plan. However, a failure is different—it requires a change in outcome, a major overhaul. To be clear, you can come back from failure, but it will require some introspection and quite often a radical new approach.
Take a moment to grieve. Failure is gut-wrenching. It’s important to grieve and sort out all the strong and sometimes conflicting emotions. Take some time to process, but don’t allow yourself to wallow for too long.
Ask yourself why. Try to detach yourself from your reeling emotions and, as objectively as you can, sort out the reasons for your failure. Psychologists have found that resilient people react to failure with a more positive attributional style, meaning they see something specific and external (something fixable) rather than viewing their failure as a personal flaw. For example, you may have been terminated because you weren’t a good fit for the organizational culture. Instead of feeling unlikable, look instead for a new environment that will be a better fit for you.
Own your mistakes. While it’s important to examine the external factors for failing, also regard your personal conduct. Have you been in denial about your work performance? Can you identify repetitive patterns in your behavior that have been disruptive? Or have you received feedback you disregarded? All of these questions will lead to personal accountability and a better understanding of what happened.
Inventory Your Strengths. Perhaps you did make some mistakes. Acknowledge them and try to correct self-sabotaging behaviors. They don’t define you, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re without merit. This is the time to think about what you do well, where you shine, and what makes you happy. Most of us thrive when we feel a sense of mastery. Inventory what you’re good at and look for opportunities where you can lean into those strengths.
Realign your goals. If you’ve assessed your strengths, you might discover that they were not particularly suited for the job you lost. Do you need to challenge your perceptions or expectations about yourself? Just because you’ve done something for a long time doesn’t mean it’s what you’re meant to do. Dare to think about yourself differently. Take those strengths you’ve identified and create a plan that will put them to good use.
Celebrate your success. It’s easy to feel battered and beaten after a failure. But failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves of what’s gone right, what we’ve actually achieved. These successes don’t have to be game-changing or life-altering. Each day, celebrate the small victories. They are the necessary elements that lead to big success.
Failing sucks, but you will get through it. And with some introspection and a little personal grace, you might even find yourself in a better, happier position.