Try as we might, we probably won’t win over everyone we meet. At times, we may be greeted with indifference, a lack of enthusiasm, perhaps skepticism, or maybe brusqueness. But on a few – hopefully very rare occasions – we might sense a stronger reaction.
In my previous article, I wrote about how feelings of antipathy are fairly uncommon. We’re simply not wired to feel emotional extremes. Instead, if we sense that someone dislikes us, there’s a good chance we’re confusing this with something else – perhaps disappointment or disinterest.
But if you are consistently given the cold shoulder, it’s time to assess your behavior. Yup, it actually could be you. Since our business depends on trust and acceptance, a little soul-searching might be in order.
Could your words or actions be offensive? Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you dominate the conversation? Some of us go into meetings so focused on our own agenda that we leave little time for mutual exchange. Don’t get me wrong – it’s understandable to think about what you want to accomplish, but first consider – in fact, ask – what the donor would like to cover during your visit. By not overpacking an agenda, you allow yourself time to really listen and respond accordingly.
Are you respectful of your donor’s time? Long meetings don’t correlate with productivity. While you may equate a 3-hour lunch with bonding, your donors might feel like they’re being held hostage. If you schedule a meeting for 30 minutes, stand by that. Then go one step further. Verify that this is still a good time-frame at the beginning of your discussion. And, of course, be on time. That is one significant thing you can do to show your respect.
How is your attitude? Being good professionals, we put on our game-face and approach others in a cheery, congenial manner. That’s to be expected. It’s almost a job requirement to be positive in our profession. But I’m not referring to whether your glass is half-empty or half-full. Our attitudes, especially negativity, can be expressed in much more nuanced and insidious ways. I’ve known more than a few colleagues who, for instance, openly shared sensitive company information or casually pointed a finger in another direction to protect themselves. Deflection is a wonderful tool for those who are integrity-averse. Similarly, gossip is great fun, but it rarely has a place in our donor conversations. Reflect back on discussions that might have put the donor in an awkward position. Did you reveal too much? Did you in some way disparage your company? Were you having a fun conversation that bordered or even crossed into indiscretion? Donors and volunteers understand all too well who you represent. If your demeanor or discussion doesn’t align with your organization’s standard, this puts them in a conflicted position. Somewhere donors don’t want to be.
Do you take responsibility? Your trustworthiness is the greatest asset you can bring to your relationships. If you breach another’s trust, even in small ways, this will throw off the relational dynamic. With our busy schedules, it’s easy to let things slide. Pay careful attention to details, like getting back to someone in a timely manner or delivering on your promises. If you’ve messed up, own it. And don’t shy away from the less than pleasant conversations, like communicating a delay or reporting disappointing news.
Do you take the donor for granted? If you’re treating someone like a personal ATM or conveniently making contact only when you need something, your donor will quickly catch on. Enough said.
Are you overly familiar? It’s really okay if you’re not asked to tailgate or invited to Thanksgiving dinner. Donors don’t expect to be your best friend. Don’t push an intimacy that they don’t want or need. You can still be appreciated even if your relationship is striclty professional.
When reflecting on these questions, be completely honest with yourself. This might include recognizing some hard truths that need remediation. While difficult, I recommend a frank conversation with the donor. See if you are reading the situation correctly, apologize if needed, and then change your behavior. Most people will appreciate your honesty and will be willing to reset the relationship.
If you find yourself hopelessly stuck, remember that donor cultivation is a team sport. This is exactly why it’s important to develop many strong bonds across your organization. Pull in a colleague to help you transition to smoother waters.
Finally, don’t give up! If you approach a conflict with a sincere desire to resolve it, there is a very good chance you can salvage the relationship and continue to work together.
What hard lessons have you learned? And how have you resolved conflicts that appeared to be hopeless? I’d love to hear from you.