Before the Tokyo Olympics, I watched an interview with Simone Biles. Biles, as you may know, is the most decorated gymnast in world history. While watching the interview, I was in awe of her, especially impressed with her supreme confidence. At one point, Biles was asked why she would add a ground-breaking, yet high-risk move to her routine since it wasn’t necessary to win a gold medal. She replied (to paraphrase) “because I can.” To me, her response wasn’t hubris and not at all off-putting. In fact, I think I was more impressed by her confidence than by the death-defying stunts in her routine.
Then came the Olympics. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed when Biles pulled out of many events. Like the Roman gladiators that came before her, Simone Biles was expected to compete for our entertainment. That was my first thought which, admittedly, I’m not proud of. But what unfolded was far more courageous. Here was a woman, with the eyes of the world on her, graciously refusing to cow to our demands. She had the presence of mind to follow her gut. And that led to the very controversial decision to disappoint many for the sake of her mental and physical health.
Simone Biles was not a people-pleaser. How many of us could say that, in a similar situation, we would do the same? To have the courage to uphold our convictions in the face of adversity?
Fundraisers are notorious people pleasers, and I mean it, mainly, in the most benign sense. We get into the field because we are energized by our association with others. We are, on the whole, optimists who often have the uncanny ability to turn a negative into a positive.
But when, on certain occasions, we hit a rough patch, is it our default to make it right? To say or do things to ease tension? To ignore certain rules or unflattering behavior for the sake of neutralizing a situation? To stifle our opinion to appease others?
We go along and get along. But we can get ourselves in trouble if our behavior challenges our integrity or even our own personal mental health.
Yes, people pleasing can be a pathology. The psychological term is sociotropy, which is the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence. It is one thing to be nice, even accommodating, but when your actions infringe on your self-worth then perhaps your pleasing is taking too much of a toll. Consider some people-pleasing signs:
- You pretend to agree with everyone
- You can’t say no
- You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry with you
- You curtail your performance so you don’t outshine others
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict
In addition to doubting our self-worth, people-pleasing may have other long-term consequences, including: resenting others, depression, feeling overwhelmed, increased anxiety.
This need to please can translate into problems at work. People-pleasers often take on too much responsibility, leading to overwork and burnout. Ironically, the pleaser may ultimately disappoint others because of compromised work performance. In a field with precariously low retention rates, the best thing you could do for yourself – and for the fundraising/nonprofit sector – is to curtail some of these people-pleasing behaviors.
Easier said than done, right? But there are some antidotes to people-pleasing:
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Saying no might be a tall order, but try not being the first to respond. Keep your hand down. Don’t volunteer – see if someone else will step forward.
Establish boundaries. Really look at what your life priorities are, and then reflect on the boundaries needed to uphold them. For instance, if family is a top priority, then don’t feel guilty saying no to after-work drinks. Instead, try a little redirection. No to drinks, but yes to coffee.
Start Small. Exposure therapy is a psychological treatment to help people overcome their phobias and anxiety. Why not try it in this situation? One way might be to decline an invitation to an event where you are not needed and will not be missed. Another example: pass on the purchase of yet another box of Girl Scout cookies.
Tolerate your Discomfort. The short-term consequence might not feel great but, in the long-run, you are saying yes to your self-worth. Don’t ruminate over the guilt. Move on and enjoy your empowerment.
My final word to people-pleasers – you are coming from a good place! And a few “no’s” will do little to diminish your value. Channel your inner Simone by really paying attention to what is best for your physical and mental well-being.
If you are a chronic people, what advice do you have to break the habit? I’d love to hear from you!