As we gradually make our way back to the office, so too do we find ourselves in positions that require small talk. That elevator ride, while seemingly interminable, is a bit more pleasant if we say something rather than just stare at our feet. Arriving at the same time to a meeting requires some sort of exchange of pleasantries. As tempting as it might be, it’s simply not a good idea to sequester indefinitely in our cubicles or behind closed doors.
As this NYT article suggests, many people assiduously avoid what, to many, is a painstaking ritual – small talk.
But small talk doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
About 20 years into my career (better late than never) I realized I needed to up my small talk game. Like so many others, I was especially stymied by that dreadful “how are you?” feedback loop. You know the one:
“How are you?”
“Fine. And you”?”
“Fine”.
Smile. Pregnant pause. Eyes down. Move on.
I felt as boring as I sounded. Worse, this oft-repeated script signified that I really didn’t have much going on. Ironically, this was far from true – I had deadlines to meet, people to see, money to raise – but you would never know it from my insipid responses.
I read a book, “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office”, and it had a game-changer suggestion. When asked about how we’re doing, don’t simply answer with a monosyllable. Instead, think of three top-of-mind topics and respond by mentioning one of those. For example:
“How are you?”
“Busy! We’re kicking off our campaign with an event tonight. I think it will go well, but we’re working on the finishing touches.” Or:
“Great! I’m wrapping up some loose ends before taking a vacation next week.”
It’s still chit-chat, but it gives the other conversationalist a bone. And as a bonus, you seem far more interesting.
I understand there is a certain banality to small talk, and my cynical friends will dismiss these conversations, preferring deeper or more intellectual exchanges. But I challenge them to try the little experiment I did last week.
I made an effort to chat-up those I ran into. When I walked past a neighbor, the perfunctory wave instead turned into a 20-minute conversation. The meat market guy and I commiserated on the lack of good Easter candy this year. The woman at the grocery store check-out – a very familiar face – finally “saw’ me as we talked about where we’d like to travel in the not-so-distant future.
There was a certain appreciation I sensed from my conversation partners and, moreover, these conversations made me feel good.
It turns out that people actually kind of like small talk. A Harvard Business Review article reported that, for many, small talk energized them and, in fact, did make them feel more “seen.”
These seemingly superficial exchanges actually do more than you think. In its own way, small talk builds rapport, which sparks a connection and that, in turn, builds trust.
Maya Angelou said it best: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Who knows? That one small exchange in the elevator just might brighten someone’s day.