A recent Fast Company article claimed that our listening skills are a better predictor of leadership potential than intelligence or personality type. Good listeners are seen as empathetic and emotionally intelligent, essential qualities for leaders and for our work as fundraisers.
At the risk of sounding full of it, I consider myself to be fairly emotionally intelligent and empathetic. But I have a long way to go before being a great listener. I still have that urge to direct the conversation back to me, and I get distracted or mentally wander off during conversations. Oh, and I eagerly (impatiently?) jump in to finish another person’s thought.
This has been a continual challenge. I come from a long line of talkers so, genetically, I have my work cut out for me. My mother had an artful knack of redirecting conversations with one simple phrase, “Say, that reminds me…” Her mother had that rare and impressive talent of listening to two conversations at once so she could jump in to both or either at any given moment.
My foremothers were extroverts, a trait highly valued in our culture. They were chatty and gregarious and, coincidentally, lousy listeners. So am I.
I learned, though, early in my career, that if I didn’t strengthen my listening muscle I was at risk of missing key information, misjudging situations, and not connecting to the cause or my conversation partner.
Way back in 1946 Edgar Dale suggested that we only remember about 20 percent of what we hear. While this has been challenged, the point is still clear: our collective listening skills leave a lot to be desired. And living in today’s world presents its own set of challenges. We often find ourselves on opposing sides when discussing just about anything in our fractured society. It used to be that religion and politics were off the table; now it seems even relatively benign topics can spark controversy.
And what happens when we land on one of those uncomfortable conversations? We shut down. It’s far easier to turn the channel or slip away from a discussion that doesn’t conform to our worldview. By tuning out, though, we face the danger of missing important information.
Our judgment makes us tone deaf. Sure, we might get the gist of what the other person said, but our biases handicap us. We miss the nuance and subtext that can often be critical to fully understanding another person’s point of view.
Confirmation bias – believing what we want to believe – is multifaceted. Our preconceived notions often lead us to believe the worst in others, but it also can create false optimism. As fundraisers, you’ve probably seen this situation play out. A colleague will cheerily report on a prospective donor’s intentions to support a project. Long on optimism and short on actual evidence, the fundraiser pursues the prospect for months, maybe even years. Finally, the supervisor calls the question and the fundraiser must make the solicitation. Imagine the fundraiser’s surprise when he learns that the prospect had no particular interest in said project. But should this have been a surprise? If the fundraiser was truly listening, he would have understood, hopefully much earlier in the discussions, that it wasn’t the right fit.
In fundraising, our listening skills are as important as our solicitation skills. You wouldn’t know it, though. We agonize over the latter and do little to improve the former. And that prioritization is a costly one to us – in wasted time and effectiveness.
So how do we improve our listening skills? Much has been written about this and it generally comes down to these simple steps.
Wait your turn. Let the other person finish their thought before responding. I actually had a boss who would admonish me if I jumped in too early. I kind of despised him, but his metaphorical hand-slapping did make an impression. I had another boss, though, who was trained as a clinician and was a great role model. She not only taught me a lot about the role patience plays in being a good listener but how judgement-free reactions are also a necessary component to promote a respectful and healthy conversation.
Try compassion. As I mentioned, we’re an opinionated bunch nowadays and trying to relate to an opposing or even different view can be, well, trying. But if you practice step one – waiting your turn – and fully listen before responding you might pick up on other stuff that’s just as important as the information we would prefer to tune out. We might hear in another’s story conflict, struggle or indecision. And while we may not agree on everything, we might share something quite important – a common interest to further the mission of our organization.
Repeat important information. Even when we wait our turn and remain open to the conversation, it’s still possible to miss critical information or to need further clarification. It’s okay, actually preferable, to make sure you’re on the right track by asking follow-up questions. You won’t look stupid; instead, you’ll show your commitment to the conversation and your desire to understand the other’s view. That’s empathy.
I mentioned these steps were simple – as in easy to understand. Doing them is an entirely different matter. Listening, without a doubt, is one of the most relentlessly difficult skills to master. And it is a lifelong practice. I’d love to hear your tips for great listening.